maaf...

maafkan diriku.. seandainya hadirku membuatmu melara dalam kehidupan anugerah indah ciptaan Tuhan.. tidak wujud niatku untuk membuat mu.. berduka dan berseorangan di dalam hanyut kesunyian mu.. sedarkah mu.. terdapat insan2 yang masih mengambil berat tentang dirimu.. walaupun tidak kelihatan mereka sentiasa di kanan dan kirimu.. diri mu tidak akan perasan kewujudan mereka.. kerana Tuhan membantu hambaNya tanpa mereka sedar.. aku takut untuk menulis nukilan sanubari ku.. kerana aku takut akan ada insan merasa sebak dan menangis.. aku tidak layak untuk semua itu... aku simpan segalanya dengan gelak tawa dan snymn.. senda gurau ku.. walaupun melampaui batas memperbodohkan diri.. aku rela.. agar snymn terukir di wajahmu.. aku cuma insan malang... kehadiran ku tak pernah memberi kebahagiaan.. kehadiran ku memberikan perasaan yang tidak patut hadir.. kehadiran ku memberikan kelukaan.. walaupun pada insan2 yang aku sayangi dan kasihi.. alangkah bagus jika aku tidak diwujudkan didunia ini.. memang aku tidak minta dilahirkan.. apakan daya aku dilahirkan juga... sempurna segala sifat.. tapi kekurangan pada kelakuan.. kejahatan ku tidak ada 1 jiwa didunia ini yang tahu melaenkan diriku.. kebaikan ku hnya pada insan2 yg aku digerakkan untuk membantu tahu.. tp aku mengugut mereka agar tidak memberitahu sesiapa... aku tidak layak di puji untuk kebaikan yg kecil.. sedangkan kejahatan yang aku lakukan terlalu besar untuk diampuni.. maafkan diriku... aku hadir tanpa dipaksa.. aku pergi tanpa rela... betapa bnyk ku menolong... tidak akan ku minta balasan melaenkan hanya ukiran snymn dan kebahagian.. jika itu tidak mampu dilakukan.. maafkan aku kerana meminta sesuatu yang berat...

bosan... haah

i have no idea.. why am i feeling this way.. no matter how i laugh and make jokes.. i always end up.. sitting alone and play with my though.. actually i was ok with it.. until this young boy started to say hello to me and asking me where im going in the train i answer seremban.. he just suprised and said jauh nye bang.. tak bosan ke sorang2 bang? tade kwn?... he said that to me.. i said its ok... what can i do.. nobodys live in the same area as me and goes to KLMU every single day anyway.. and there i goes.. started to feel blank.... until i arrive at seremban station.. time fly fast when im in my blank mode.. funny ... until i ride my motocycle home.. still a long way.. stil alone... feel nothing at all.. i wonder why.. im really happy i got someone so close to me.. she's the closest thing with me.. beside my mom.. plus shes my mother adopted daughter... and becoming my adopted little sister.. even though shes married... im really happy but with though that i really cant be happy i cant be happy at all.. afraid it might cause me another hollow feeling.. im afraid.... she's afraid of losing while im afraid of losing her also.. i love her as my little sister nothing more.. so i sacrifice anything to make her happy.. but eventually what ill do would make her sad also thats why when im in trouble i wont tell her i cant help her.. instead i try my best finding the solution so she wont be worried.. i hope she didnt read this.. i dont like to make someone close to me worried about me.. let me worried about them instead of them worrying about me.. i rather take the pain then giving away the pain... let it all stay with me..a s long as the smile could be carved on her face.. that the cure for everything..... people started saying that the group that always hang out with us has fallen apart.. some of them wouldnt hang out anymore.. why does i think that im being the middle man.. i just told that friend of mine that i dont fucking care.. their life.. lead as they see fit.. im just a side actor in their life.. ^_^... ive become shy when the friend tease me by calling me her brother in front of the others... i dont mind.. but dont speak outloud.. im not into all that glory.. i just wanna live a low life.. but in KL.. who the fuck gives a damn.... damn.. wtf am i babling about.. ahha probably sugar rush.. nevermind.. im just into telling a little bit about my life and whats going on in this little world of mine.. dont worry.. ill help as long as im still breathing... dont worry about me.. ill try to live.. as i see fit... the famous word ADE AKU KESAH? you say it to people easily but you dont know when you care and that word are out.. kind of fucking rude... between friends maybe.. laughing stock.. with close friends? ur asking to be beaten down... well who cares... rapat la serapat mane yg bleh... aslkn batasan diketahui dan nanti jgn ckp kwn lupe kwn lak..... tak perlu ingat kebaikan aku.. ingat lah kejahatan aku sesungguhnya itu yang terbaek untuk diri yg terhine ini ...

sigh..

today was really creepy i have my exam on 7 jan.. and i got my fever symptom on 5 jan.. its getting worse on the 6.. gone to the clinic got my medic.. on 7 i eat all the doc prescribe me but only flu he did not encourage me because it would make me feel really sleepy.. damn i really didnt though im well enough but have to find the strength... the journey to KTM seremban really is cold and feels like flying.. damn its creepy since i drive like a nut person.. luckily still manage to drive all the way to KTM.. even i feel my motocycle is a bit different but nevermind that.. quickly going to catch the 6 am train to make it to kl at 730 am manage to complete my objective.. i thought my mind would not think well since im on med.. still i feel my head wobbling.. and moving on its own a little to the right and left and my walk kind of slow.. stil manage to answer both paper normally.. but first time i gone out early on exam.. maybe because of the fever.. going back the med effect has gone so i feel normal but heavy head.. gone back home.. shower and sleep and saw my mom fallen ill too..

struck one pure luck.. struck everytime your FUCK!

i really have no intention of writing anything since i am still not healthy 100% but seeing my mom infected with the fever kind of scare me off but who could i share this scare and worry with? there is none.. my best friend? all they say bring your mom to clinic fast.. doesn't they know i don't have cars.. should i just gamble carry my mom on the motorcycle..(those who have visited my house knows how far it goes for me to go to the clinic) who knows she might fall off or i might crash in the woods at Sikamat... ask help from my mom sisters.. i am a little phobia over that.. and the clock is 2 a m.. who wouldn't be pissed if disturbed in the morning. I'm worried because she kept going in and out the toilet puking so much yet nothing came out and she looks suffocating as i am but i cant do a thing.. she ate panadol but it came out with the puke.. dammit this is fucking pathetic.. i really am helpless son.. i am of no use.. all i can do is clean up after her.. have to find the strength even though im still weak.. whoever read can easily said you should call family.. you just don't know how their treatment to us..please if you have a fight with your friends and he/she said something that pierce your heart thoroughly even though you ask for forgiveness the hate still there.. that's the same as my mother siblings.. i really don't know what to do.... they all seems so happy this new year as i though a slight feeling of happiness could not exist and would not be encouraged to exist within me i was happy on the 2 Jan and this thing struck down.. pls do not say its God will im getting bored with that and pls leave God out of this what kind of God wills that doesn't let His servant having a pure smile for a day without anything happen.. is it because im already empty? love? fuck love... its just a fuck up word made by fucking prick after all that happen i better just have my fucking eyes look as much as i want.. I'm not handsome or good looking. you have never been turned down on your fucking face so you can say all you want..stupid shit.. have some confidence? confidence my ass!! what use of it? does it gave me money? does it let my mom live easily? none of the above so fuck it.. easilly surrounded by people but deep down so damn fucking lonely.. what a piece of shit i am.. pathetic...

how i bought my first guitar..

im gonna tell how i bought my first guitar which is still in good condition till today.. to make it a story.. i was suddenly have an urge to learn how to play guitar and have fun playing the song that was easy enough for me to play.. actually im reminded of these event every Eid celebration.. because i bought that black guitar exactly after im done collecting my "duit raya" (im still on the age to being given angpow lerr) form 5 i guess dont quite remember.. i ask for my second brother to help me buy that guitar.. its not exclusive always known as guitar KAPOK the price is RM 80. the cheap one that i can afford since i bought it using my own money that i collected. i was so happy i brought it home.. it was black.. got the white dot on the 5th 7th 9th note.. but now the notes are not there anymore.. wash out by hands an time :D. i was afraid my father would scold me for buying things i dont know how to use.. so i hide it in my room.. when my fathers gone to work i take it out and try to play it.. just strumming without knowledge of the chord or anything.. while i ask my elder brother to teach me.. my 2nd brother also dont know.. oh yeah i forgot.. this is the image of the guitar..



its taken when i have moved to seremban.. there goes.. back to the story.. my elder brother teach me the easy one.. metalica song and nirvana.. i dont recall the title i just play the note .. at first it was hard to do the chord u know.. since th efinger still not loose and still not use to the guitar.. my finger also hurt.. it feels like its buring on the tips of each my left finger.. actually thats what happen to anyone whos trying to learn to play guitar the first time.. the first song that i can play well and that actually took me a year.. and through my dreams i got the rhythym.. was IN JOY AND SORROW - His Infernal Majesty ( H.I.M) you can find the song on youtube .. during the method of learning i lost my father.. and i got to paly that song after we have moved to seremban.. it has been 6 years i try to learn to play guitar but im still not so good at it.. i can play what song i want but i need to refer to the code.. i was amaze when i see my 'Sifu" play the guitar.. he played it by only listening to the song and he can play so damn well.. im so jealous.. but both of them are modest still they try to teach me.. and we hang out a lot.. but play song that we could remember haha.. oh yeah during my period of staying in ipoh to work.. i bought a new guitar in case i got bored there.. ( its really help my finger) i bought another guitar that has 24 fret so i can play any song and try them out.. theprice was RM 120.. that shop gave an offer i cant refuse.. actually before that i bought another one.. RM 100.. the sound was good. but to bad the guitar was stolen when nobody in the house.. all the occupants gone working.. my friend HP also was stolen.. so in total there are 3 guitars.. but 1 went MIA :D haha.. my second guitar i got the video for it..



the guitar int he video the brown one.. is the second guitar that gone MIA.. T_T..

oh well now im not working and continued studying at KLMU.. i still love my guitars and paly them whenver im in a jam and sad, alone.. what ever the negative words.. my guitar is my best friend.. this is my third guitar...



im not from a rich family but this is all that i could afford for my hobby in which im still interested even until now.. i try my best to play but not everyone could listen.. because i can play song they dont want to hear :D
my next guitar is an electric guitar.. my aim is either ibanez or fender.. :D i wann try it out too.. i have played with yamaha.. my modest sifu let me have fun a bit :D
i think that is all.. oh yeah the black guitar i gave it and borrow it to my best fren whos suddenly pick an interest in playing guitar so i lent him the black guitar which is my old guitar.. :D i try to teach him a bit but i guess im not a good teacher since im also trying to learn to play :D

thats what makes what i am today.. without it i dont know how i could handle the pain and agony..

dont know.. dont care..

sometimes.. it feels really alone.. sometimes it feels otherwise.. but being alone is not so bad.. you could stil be free in doing anything you want.. being ignorant and hard headed but in the midst of the happiness in being alone.. there is a slight feeling of lonely that could not fade. it will always be there.. even when you among frens.. you could still feel it.. sometimes you could wish you wouldnt be alone.. but in your heart.. you want to be alone permanently.. but dont worry.. when you die.. you die alone.. for sure..its a great desire that wanting to have someone who could shoulder your problem just as same you shoulder theirs.. but that desire is still in the unknown path.. you might get someone who only want their trouble shoulder but doesnt want to burden themselves with yours.. its the same as being lonely and alone.. sigh.. when i walk alone always see a couple walk in front. sometimes argue.. sometimes hold hands.. somtime lies in the phone call.. the word used.. im with frens now.. later u see the man hugging the woman tightly.. fren? lol.. the description is wrong than all of us then.. im just a straight person and sometimes i use riddle to describe my feeling.. thats why im still single :D goodd God.. but thats only the other reason.. the main reason you should know what..i herited my moms mind.. that is dont trouble anyone as long as you can do it yourself..but i think i did trouble my college mate enough already ^_^.. i hope they dont really mind.. why does those who seek could never find what they seek but only find what they dont seek.. but to me.. i could never ever find what i seek..

again...

sigh... the feeling came again.. so here i am wrote rubbish again.. why cant i write my happy things? instead only sadness i ever wrote.. its because there is nothing happy about my life thats why.. its boring as hell.. if you guys in my shoes.. you probably have a fren no one could see.. and you talk alone.. hah.. lucky your not me they say having frens.. you wont be lonely... i seriously doubt that.. i have frens.. i have many of them.. yet.. im still lonely.. some say.. best fren never abandon you... truth to one.. the other already gone.. words are never true.. even thought its like that.. i always try to remain true to my word.. and i only speak what i can accomplish.. sigh.. but woman do likes being lied too.. thats why they heart broken much more easily.. and then couple again with the same person and heart broken again and blame all the guy.. WTF laa.. there is no cure for narrow minded.. no matter what you try.. in the end it always stay narrow.