struck one pure luck.. struck everytime your FUCK!

i really have no intention of writing anything since i am still not healthy 100% but seeing my mom infected with the fever kind of scare me off but who could i share this scare and worry with? there is none.. my best friend? all they say bring your mom to clinic fast.. doesn't they know i don't have cars.. should i just gamble carry my mom on the motorcycle..(those who have visited my house knows how far it goes for me to go to the clinic) who knows she might fall off or i might crash in the woods at Sikamat... ask help from my mom sisters.. i am a little phobia over that.. and the clock is 2 a m.. who wouldn't be pissed if disturbed in the morning. I'm worried because she kept going in and out the toilet puking so much yet nothing came out and she looks suffocating as i am but i cant do a thing.. she ate panadol but it came out with the puke.. dammit this is fucking pathetic.. i really am helpless son.. i am of no use.. all i can do is clean up after her.. have to find the strength even though im still weak.. whoever read can easily said you should call family.. you just don't know how their treatment to us..please if you have a fight with your friends and he/she said something that pierce your heart thoroughly even though you ask for forgiveness the hate still there.. that's the same as my mother siblings.. i really don't know what to do.... they all seems so happy this new year as i though a slight feeling of happiness could not exist and would not be encouraged to exist within me i was happy on the 2 Jan and this thing struck down.. pls do not say its God will im getting bored with that and pls leave God out of this what kind of God wills that doesn't let His servant having a pure smile for a day without anything happen.. is it because im already empty? love? fuck love... its just a fuck up word made by fucking prick after all that happen i better just have my fucking eyes look as much as i want.. I'm not handsome or good looking. you have never been turned down on your fucking face so you can say all you want..stupid shit.. have some confidence? confidence my ass!! what use of it? does it gave me money? does it let my mom live easily? none of the above so fuck it.. easilly surrounded by people but deep down so damn fucking lonely.. what a piece of shit i am.. pathetic...